its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
