Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
