It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
