so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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