I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
