So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
