I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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