someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize