Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
