I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
