i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
