Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize