I was born with a shot glass in my hand
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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