Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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