smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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