Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
