Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
