We named our party play list daddy issues
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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