Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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