Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
