She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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