I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
