oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Randomize
