I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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