I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
