Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm sobbing to NWA
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
