So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
