i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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