Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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