as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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