I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My penis needs a shock collar
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
