What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
