Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
