The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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