i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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