3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Blood and glitter go together right?
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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