I'm eating all of the evidence.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
