so that wasnt chicken after all
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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