you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
