Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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