can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
