you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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