Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
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