it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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