I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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