I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
