Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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