I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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