Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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