I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
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