I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
