so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize