I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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