he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
