Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
