Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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