I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
