Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
