Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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