I think I died a long time ago.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
