my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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