you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize